The Pickup Line


The so-called pickup line is a desperation measure, a clumsy attempt to short-circuit the normal acquaintanceship process. With a dismal probability of success, it's your basic exercise in futility.


"If you were a cookie, I wouldn't leave a crumb."
Pathetic, embarrassing to the speaker and offensive to the recipient, elevating to new heights the art making a fool of yourself.

Consider one of the more endearing lines:
"Do you have a quarter?"
"Why?"
"My mother told me to call her when I met the woman of my dreams."
This one deserves at least a giggle, perhaps even a "nice try, but...". Oh, well.

"On August 17th, 1556, Nostradamus predicted that we would meet at this very time and place. How does it feel to fulfill a prophecy?"
Too contrived. Gets a shrug, at best.

"Do you believe in love at first sight... or should I walk past you again?"
Snickers of disbelief.

"All those dangerous curves, and me with no brakes."
Gimme a brake, er- break.



If using a pickup line is vastly overrated for the self-confident, socially adept male, it is virtually useless for the shy guy.
"Foxy lady, I've been too busy drooling over you to remember that I'm normally tongue tied in the presence of beautiful women. Allow me to force my presence upon you so I won't be overwhelmed by the loneliness and despair that afflict me."
This is the pickup line reduced to its bare essentials, touching in its honesty and depth of feeling, sure to rate at least a "superior" on the derision scale, and even so, more amusing than 90% of the lines in common usage.

Anxiety and fear strangle the magic flow of words, the give-and-take between two persons newly discovering each other. All the same, better to risk nervous silence than to subvert and contaminate the dance by practiced glibness, by carefully rehearsed phrases designed to manipulate and seduce. Most intelligent women prefer the company of a sweating, stuttering real person to that of a sleazeball.

"Madam, I'm Adam."
Thus did the first man purportedly introduce himself to his intended. Eve, no doubt enchanted that this line was a palindrome in the not yet invented English language, could not have helped being impressed by its cleverness. The rest, as they say, is history. Even if not endowed with a name that so lends itself to wordplay, you may nevertheless employ some variation of the plain-and-simple introduction.
"Hi ho, I'm Joe" gets more points than "We were lovers in a past life" . You might even live a little dangerously and try "You are a strikingly beautiful woman, and I would like to get to know you." Other creative self-intros include "I'm sure we've never met before" and "There is something magical about first encounters." Spontaneity outclasses cliché and honesty trumps phoniness every time.

Being resourceful and quick on your feet is essential, and a ready sense of humor guides you past the rough spots. Most of all, the heady feeling of just being able to talk to women, at ease and enjoying yourself, builds your self-confidence and people skills to the point that you become a sought-after conversation partner.

Exercises

You have just started to dig into your mashed potatoes at your usual table in the company cafeteria when a woman you don't recognize sits down in the vacant seat across from you. It's just the two of you at the table. She gives a shy little smile, then begins to unwrap a sandwich. How do you kickstart a conversation?

  • "The carrot cake is good today. You ought to try it."

  • "Mystery meat again. I should have brownbagged it."

  • Wait for her to finish eating, then offer her your yogurt.

  • _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ ____
    (Fill in the blanks.)

  • _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ ____
    (Be really creative.)





At your cousin's Christmas party, you see a woman across the room entertaining a crowd of admirers. You get this sudden crazy urge to talk to her right now, immediately, no matter if you make a complete fool of yourself in the attempt. All right, think of it as a courage test, a "proof of concept", a kamikaze run, a way of winning a little bet with yourself ("You wouldn't dare..."). Start walking toward her. Don't rehearse any lines. It has to be totally spontaneous. Now you're near her, and she looks up, startled, and notices you. You say...

  • "Please permit me one small indulgence. I make a habit of approaching women I've never met as part of my shyness cure. Just one little smile, just one, please, otherwise I'll melt away with fright or dissolve in tears, either way equally distressing. Spare me with your mercy, or slay me with your scorn."

  • "Allow me, fair lady, to rescue you from the crowd of your admirers. Let them admire you from afar as I charm you with my dazzling wit and you dazzle me with your charming... charms."

  • _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____

  • _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____

  • _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____



Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds.
A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

Clive James


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