HOW-2 Meet Women

by

Cartaphilus



Chapter 7

Nothing Personal




i
Perspective

Men wanted. Hard work. Low pay. Danger. High adventure. Chance of fame and glory.


The Arctic explorer who placed this newspaper ad to recruit participants for his expedition might well have been shocked at the magnitude of the response. Hundreds applied. The language is simple, direct... and compelling. This is marketing at its finest, the art of evoking human hopes and dreams.

Writing a personal ad is something of an adventure in itself. Here is an opportunity to reassess yourself, to focus and clarify your self-image, the chance to reinvent (or, at least, rewrite) yourself. You can sculpt the profile you display to the outside world, to the women you wish to meet. This assumes your total involvement in the project. It requires complete dedication to the task and responsibility for the consequences. What you are starting here may have far-reaching effects.


What Personal Ads Can Do (Perhaps)
  • Reenergize your social life, temporarily.
  • Give fleeting glimpses of what it means not to be alone.
  • Give you the chance to meet the woman of your dreams.
  • Enable you to meet women outside your circle of acquaintances.
  • Give you practice meeting strangers.
  • Provide a learning experience.
  • Give you the impetus to change your life.


What Personal Ads Cannot Do

  • Reenergize your social life, permanently.
  • Cure loneliness.
  • Guarantee you will meet the woman of your dreams.
  • Guarantee girlfriends.
  • Make you at ease meeting strangers.
  • Transform shyness into social adeptness.
  • Change your life.


What Personal Ads Are

  • An option.
  • A tool.
  • A stepping stone along the way.


What Personal Ads Are Not

  • "The Answer."



Personal ads have a long and venerable, even stodgy tradition. At one time, professional matchmakers and marriage brokers regularly placed ads and announcements for their clients in ethnic and foreign language newspapers. The personals fell into disrepute around midcentury, as a more modern, urbanized generation no longer felt the need to resort to indirect methods of meeting, dating, and mating. Since the 1980s, personal ads have made a comeback, regaining respectability by virtue of their ability to connect people who might otherwise never meet.



ii
Writing

Writing an effective ad requires imagination, sensitivity, and humor. Intermediate level or better communications skills, while not absolutely mandatory, considerably improve your chances for success. Treat this as a creative writing project, lavishing on it the same care you would on a grant proposal or a submission to a professional journal. This means extensive editing and revisions, not to mention having a working knowledge of the precepts of good writing (Strunk and White's classic, The Elements of Style, provides an excellent starting point). Note that if you cannot express yourself effectively in writing, now would be a good time to begin your education in this vital survival skill. A poorly written personal ad (or a lame imitation of someone else's) is an exercise in futility.

Given a very limited number of words in which to state your case, perhaps fifty or less, make each one count. Poetry compresses language almost to the bursting point. Imagery and metaphor are wicked, sharp-edged blades. Rhythm compels. Humor and irony are armor-piercing projectiles. A feeling for subtlety and nuance lends elegance to the naked word. Language - in its grandeur, its majesty, its masked violence - plumbs the mysteries of existence, unleashes avalanches of change and has the power to transform all it touches.

A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon lover!

Coleridge, Kubla Khan



Shy guy in need of girlfriend. Lonely. Desperate. Life is empty. Save me from drowning in misery. From the depths, I cry out!

Oddly enough, this is hardly the worst of possible ads. Stark, almost gothic in its intensity, in its ostentatious display of pain, its pale echoes of Oscar Wilde's Ballad of Reading Gaol... it evokes pity, possibly even a nobler emotion or two. This could strike a chord with a woman looking for someone to "save", to rescue and nurture. More realistically, it will either elicit no responses at all, or, worse yet, get an answer from a woman looking for someone to "remodel." On a scale of 1 to 100, this gets a 5.


SWM, NS, ND, tall and handsome, muscular, financially secure. Enjoy long walks on the beach, moonlit nights, and cuddling in front of the fireplace at midwinter.

The generic "white bread" ad: uninspired, bloodless, and poorly written. It is about as palatable as a heaping bowl of cold oatmeal. The less said about it, the better. On a scale of 1 to 100, this one barely rates a 2.

Avoid the use of jargon, acronyms, and abbreviations unless you can make up clever ones of your own. "Boilerplate" constructions, while saving on word count, break the narrative flow, dilute the flavor of the message, and, in general, make their own unique contribution toward insipid prose. More to the point, they evoke snorts of derision, rather than responses. "ND NS SWM seeks SWF" (yawn), "financially secure" (yeah, sure), "long walks in the moonlight" (groan).

Home-cooked meals. Beach walks. Toasting marshmallows over a campfire. Tracing Orion's belt on a moonless night. Sitting on the back porch listening to NPR. Sharing a banana split on a July afternoon. Simple pleasures.

Somewhat of an improvement, even if it does read like a magazine ad. Not much originality here. It's all filler, but no real content.




Axiom #0: Grab the readers' attention.

Stray puppy in need of a good home. Cuddly, floppy-eared 35-year old inventor would like to reinvent YOUR life...



Axiom #1: Target the writing to the audience you wish to reach.

Cassiopeia, starry-eyed maiden of my dreams, book lover, gourmet, esthete, athlete. Contemplate an afternoon at the atelier feasting our eyes on the Renaissance masters. Then home, home for more substantial fare.



Reaching out to marginalized and "socially outcast" groups draws more responses.

Wisdom and maturity signify more than societal standards of beauty. Statuesque fat woman, you burn with an inner passion. Share, oh share your warmth with me.



A man and a woman
Are one.
A man and a woman and a blackbird
Are one.

Wallace Stevens
Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird


Axiom #2: Paint a picture of who you are, what you are about.

Let your true, honest self shine through. Give the reader substance, rather than flash. Descriptive personal details are fine, up to a point, but don't overdo it. Leave something to the imagination, just a bit of mystery . . . let the woman anticipate what you are really like. Above all, avoid jargon and euphemisms.


Biker daddy, Herman Munster lookalike, popcorn addict, soap opera afficionado, seeking a ray of sunlight. Set me on fire, baby.


Potbellied Polish polymath polygrapher, pundit, punster. Poleaxed by polka-dotted polyester Polynesian Pollyanna. Reply posthaste. Polly want a cracker?


No, no! Desire both lives and dies
A thousand times a day.
Edmund de Vere


Axiom #3: Honesty and integrity. There is only one real you.

Axiom #4: Humor. If life is funny, then all the more so this whole silly business of finding a lover. A little laughter will enliven your ad, and your life.

Axiom #5: Patience. Things must proceed at their own pace. Or they will not.

Axiom #6: Courage. If your ad gets just a few or no responses at all, don't despair. Try again.

Axiom #7: Empathy. Put yourself in the woman's place.
Try to imagine why women respond to a personal ad.

Corollary: Be kind to the women answering your ad. Try to treat each response compassionately, even if the woman is not quite right for you. Remember, you could be on the receiving end next time.


Axiom #8: Read other people's ads, to get ideas and to learn from their mistakes. It's so much less painful than learning from your own.

Axiom #9: Check your spelling (or use a spell checker). An ad containing spelling or grammar errors makes you look like an idiot.

Axiom #10: Run the prospective ad past a friend, preferably a woman friend, to confirm that it is not complete gibberish. Listen to advice, but trust your own judgment.

Axiom #11 (the Eleventh Commandment): Do not rely on axioms. Not even this one.



Putting it all together, construct your ad using this template:



Consider the following sample ad, put together according to these guidelines:

Icy winds tear asunder boiling thunder clouds, deliv'ring sun from Nature's rage. Still I'm a man, strong enough to be gentle, a free thinker, self-educated. At 22, old enough to discern wisdom's shadow, young enough to wonder, innocent in splendid solitude. Please, cultured older woman, show me the ways of life, and love.



Or this one, that breaks the rules...

Are you woman enough? Restless spirit, find high adventure on the uncharted tempest-toss'd seas of romance. Danger! Shipwreck, broken heart possible. Chance of glory, of forging a volcanic, passionate bond enduring until death sunders us. Only the courageous need apply.

Does this ad look just a bit familiar? It's actually our old friend, the arctic explorer ad from the beginning of the chapter, but in disguise. Would lonely women respond to this one as enthusiastically as adventure-seeking men did to the original?

Can a well-crafted personal ad (or reply to same) persuade a woman to respond to a man she would otherwise consider unsuitable? Conventional wisdom holds that expressive skill, words alone, can tilt the balance if she is uncertain, but hardly effect a complete transfiguration. This classic assumption needs some cold water thrown on it. Just as Orpheus, to rescue his fair Euridice, charmed the rulers of Hades with the power of his lyre, so likewise might one charm the heart of a hardened, embittered woman with the power of the pen, with words alone. Consider also how unpredictable we humans are. Only occasionally do we act rationally, and more often we grope our way blindly through a fever dream of wish and expectation. Our very desires, even our perceptions are in a constant turmoil. Yes, words, powerful words, can change a woman's mind and her heart... and her life. Maybe.

This is but one perspective on ad writing technique. For a somewhat different approach, see the "One-and-only tips on writing ads".



Exercise #1: Write your own ad. Revise it. Show it to a trusted friend, if you like.




iii
Placement

The Village Voice, along with the LA Free Press and Berkeley Barb, can claim credit for pioneering the modern era of personal ads. What was once a solitary voice in the wilderness, or village as it were, has changed since then, and for the worse. The Voice Personals, in common with many other publications carrying personals, have plugged into the 900-number scheme both for responding to and retrieving responses from the ads. While the initial ad is "free," the associated costs may easily run into hundreds of dollars. Moreover, the costs of answering an ad via a 900-number can easily discourage someone who might otherwise respond by the traditional letter/note method. This is the dark underside of technology. It reduces what should be a correspondence by letter, nice and easy, unhurried, safe, to a series of frenzied phone calls. It kills the spirit of romance, not to mention plundering your pocketbook.

This brings up the question of whether it is worth spending hundreds of dollars to place one or more personal ads in what is essentially a gamble. This issue you will need to resolve according to your own judgment and circumstances. Those fortunate few for whom money is no object will have little to lose by placing multiple ads. For all the rest of us there are more attractive alternatives to spending hard-earned money on speculation.

The Usenet newsgroup alt.personals, after a promising beginning in the early days of the Net, has more or less become a wastland of ads for X-rated spam and other foolishness. This mostly holds true for the entire alt.personals.??? newsgroup hierarchy, unfortunately. It is still worth a look, but might well be a complete waste of time as far as actually posting an ad.

The Classifieds2000 site offers a good testing ground for placing an ad. There is no charge for ad placement on this popular site.

The American Non-Profit Dating Service features free personal ads, as do Abracadabra and relationships.com.

Curious Cat Personal Connections offers free personals, as well as an array of information useful to singles.

Yahoo offers free personal ads as a benefit of its free membership. These are certain to reach a wide audience.

"Special needs" resources for personal ads include the Personal Ads, Size Acceptance, Fat Acceptance site for fat persons and their admirers and a dating site for those with herpes.

Try the Singles Sites Chat Site Directory for a list of places on the Net to investigate for posting ads. Find additional sites by querying one of the Web search engines for the key words "personal ads."


Before placing an ad at a particular site, do some preliminary investigation to determine whether it is an appropriate place for you. Check the ratio of men's versus women's ads - it should be roughly equal, but in any case not wildly skewed in either direction. Read some of the women-seeking-men ads, to get a feel for the "demographics" of the site (what mix of women visit there and what types of men they are looking for).


Dean Esmay has written an excellent Personals FAQ. This is required reading for those contemplating posting their ad online.

Consider using your own web site as a sort of personal "display ad." This alternative mode of advertising yourself holds some promise as a way of transcending the boundaries of the traditional personal ad.



Exercise #2: Prepare a list of ten places to publish your ad. Narrow down the choices to the best three.

Exercise #2a: Actually place an ad in one or more of the places you have selected. Do not become discouraged if you fail to get immediate results, as it may take a month or more for your ad to build up "momentum." Remember, this is a learning experience.


Exercise #3: If your ad is moderately successful, it will pull in 5 or more responses. Exceptional ads might get as many as 50. How will you sort out the answers to your ad?

Hint: you are searching for a woman you can like and respect, and who will find you attractive. Look for intelligence and humor in the replies. Originality gets extra points.



iv
Answering Ads

The odds favor the person placing an ad over one who responds. Far better to have 30 respondents to your own ad to choose among than to be one of 30 responding to someone else's ad. All the same, there come times when you find someone else's ad so captivating that you would never forgive yourself if you did not at least give it a shot.

Consider the options available if you respond. Most likely, you would need to call a toll number, and pay by the minute. Your presentation will, of necessity, be short, attention grabbing, and to the point. You absolutely must distinguish yourself from all the other "candidates" who answer this particular listing.

Take the time you need to develop a "script" for your five-minute one-man show. Pencil and paper are your tools, and a tape recorder and stopwatch useful accessories. Outline what you want to say, then edit and revise, revise, revise. With your final script in hand, rehearse aloud until your playlet rocks and rolls. Put on your favorite music (softly) in the background, pick up the phone and let your voice flow, smooth, effortless, and convincing. Remember - rhythm, pacing, timing, and always leave 'em wanting more.

If you respond via U.S. mail or e-mail, this gives you a chance to display your expertise in the classic art of letter writing. As necessary, refer to the pointers given in the previous chapter on writing love letters. Consider that this is not the two of you alone, rather, you are trying to make your voice heard above the crowd. Your epistle will be competing with those of many unseen rivals. A "generic" note will get only a cursory glance, if that. Again, aim to have your response stand out. A neat handwritten letter gets more attention than a typed or computer-printed one. A photocopied form letter heads straight for the trash. Write creatively, seek the unusual, listen to inspiration, and revise, revise, revise. Keep file copies of your previous correspondence, and learn from mistakes.


Dear Kindred Soul,

A bolt out of the blue! Your ad rattles my dusty (cough, cough) heart and ignites in me tender emotions, the likes of which I thought my cranky old soul no longer capable of. Tell me, disturber of my tranquility, what shall become of me now?

<There follow three or four paragraphs specifically addressing the concerns expressed in the ad, and especially why this particular woman absolutely must be the one for you.>

Now, as for myself, I am a 99-year-old single geezer (don't look a day over 80) pursuing a rewarding career in paleoanthropology, after having retired from a lucrative veterinary practice treating Pet Rocks. My interests include bottle-cap collecting, restoring Louis XVI furniture, perpetual motion machines, reverse engineering UFO propulsion systems, searching for the Fountain of Youth, and handcrafting intricate clothes hangers out of rusty barbed wire. I live in a luxurious renovated yurt on a rock-strewn windswept hillside overlooking the exclusive high-rise apartment developments bordering the Gobi desert. Keeping me company are 15 gerbils, 3 yaks, and a platypus, but when the moon is high and the wolves howl, I find myself aching for the sound of a human voice and a woman's touch.

<Several more amusing-but-descriptive paragraphs about yourself.>

Despite society's best efforts to tame my free-roaming spirit, I remain something of a romantic. And yes, I need a good caring woman to share my life.

Yours,


Mortimer J. Hamurabi
(My friends call me Morty)





And if you just have to do something, anything, even though you know you have just one chance in a billion...

Dark Lady of the Sonnets,

Profoundly moved by your ad. At a loss as to how to respond, since I am totally, totally unsuitable according to your strict, all-too-strict specifications. Stubbornly unable to admit defeat, and, in any case, find it less painful to engage in this utterly futile enterprise than to lie awake bemoaning the cruel misfortune of having become enraptured by Nature's Fairest Creation, of whom I am no doubt unworthy. Have mercy, and say a little prayer for your devoted admirer, who shall remain forever sundered from you by the vagaries of the harsh fate of being born mortal, alas, merely mortal.

In tears, I am nevertheless yours,


Caleb Caliban


Ah, now that feels better. Expect no reply, but you will have moved her, hard-hearted though she may be.


Hard is the herte that loveth nought
In May

Chaucer



Exercise #4: Pick out several woman-seeking-man personal ads on the Net or in a newspaper. Compose responses to them. This is a "dry run," as you will not actually be sending or posting your answers . . . unless you think you are ready to roll the dice.



v
Alternatives


The best-kept secret in the business world is that publicity works better than advertising. Calling attention to yourself by getting in the news, becoming well-known by outstanding achievement or a timely "coup" is worth a thousand personal ads. Public personalities and "celebs" have no need to place or answer personal ads. On the contrary, their problem is fending off the advances of female admirers. You should only have such problems.

Going over Niagara Falls in a barrel and similar publicity stunts have their attractions, but the cost generally outweighs the benefits, to put it mildly. Much less hazardous is having yourself crowned emperor* of your own patch of real estate, or, if you are truly ambitious, of the entire continent, complete with coronation ceremony attended by the regional and national press. Short of risking your life or making a complete fool of yourself, you may avail yourself of the many other opportunities for attaining a high profile locally, and possibly on an even larger scale.

Volunteer your services to charitable organizations, or better yet, initiate your own project to help the poor or handicapped, or to teach the educationally disadvantaged to read. Bring artistic and cultural events to your town. Invite the bicycle racing association to schedule an event there. Get the area's artisans together to hold a crafts fair. Bring the carnival to town. Sponsor a "salon" for intellectual discussion. Organize the local painters and sculptors for an exhibition. Start a writers workshop. Even if your motives are not entirely altruistic, and you wish to obtain a bit of recognition for your efforts, still you will more than likely be forgiven, if you go about it in a good-humored and tactful way.

Other possibilities include becoming an established authority in your field of expertise, a person invited to write newspaper columns and appear on talk shows. Be it only a hobby or leisure time activity, if you are exceptionally talented or can teach it effectively, you can build your reputation on it.

Far better to be a "celeb," if only a local one, than a faceless figure behind a personal ad. However, it requires more imagination, resourcefulness, and truly, much more daring. These are qualities that all human beings, not just shy ones, should cultivate.

* As it happens, in 1859, a certain Joshua Norton of San Francisco did, in fact, declare himself Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico. Surely, there was no shortage of womenfolk in his interesting life.



Exercise #5: Brainstorm at least 5 ways to make a name for yourself.




vi
Final Words


"There ain't no cure for the summertime blues", nor is there one for loneliness. Think "tool", rather than "remedy". Placing or answering a personal ad will not necessarily make a fundamental difference in your social life, but it surely can be an interesting ride.

In the personal ad "game", as in chess, the rules are easy to learn, but the strategy is intricate and tricky. Similarly, the results are proportional to the amount and intensity of effort expended, and the level of skill attained is as much a matter of practice as of talent. Like chess, and much of life itself, "playing" the personals should be fun, as well as profitable. If you do it for the prize alone, you are missing the point.

An ad can, at best, only provide the opportunity to meet partners. A woman who answers your ad has made no commitment, beyond a willingness to speak with you once. Taking it from there, actually establishing a relationship is still a matter of personal contact, of the interaction between two isolated human beings. As yet, only words connect you . . . and words alone cannot bridge the gap, nor can they touch, nor kiss.



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