Banter



Banter consists of two essential elements, spontaneity and rhythm. It demands rapid response, saying the first thing that pops into your head, stringing phrases together in ways that may violate the canons of syntax, but impact the senses and plug gaping holes in the conversational space.

starbursts of verbal fireworks
shimmering waterfalls of mind music
cascading crescendos of glorious witticisms
words! words! words! words!

It is the dance of words in arcane ceremonies, a drumbeat of nonsequiturs flaunting their unbridled passion. It is flirtatious chit-chat, semi-poetic flim-flam, unpolished and flamboyant give-and-take. It is a raging torrent of words, staccato, yet still somehow coherent. It demands daring, brashness - and yet in no small measure, finesse and a sensitive ear. It is a nicety far above the skill threshold of most shy people.


How can a shy person get from here to there, from numb, panicky silence to the point of comfortably being able to joke, laugh, and, yes, banter with a woman? How do you develop the talent to reach inside yourself and pull out just the right phrase, the one that resonates, that rattles the windows, that makes the listeners "ooh and ah", the inspiration, the wild card, the slamdunk? It's simply a matter of finding that quiet spot in your mind, the place of refuge, the fortress from which you can sally out and do battle at word slinging.

Comfort level and confidence make the difference. It's not all that difficult to banter with a friend, with someone you're not emotionally involved with, or, for that matter, with a total stranger. When you're face-to-face with a woman you'd like to know better - tension, nervousness, and the terrible need to "perform" spoil the game.





Begin by upgrading conversational skills. Keep a notebook of funny one-liners, retorts, and gambits

"Don Quixote at your service. Would you kindly direct me to the nearest windmill?"


Be creative . . . quips you make up yourself are better than ones you hear or read. Practice your delivery, in your own particular style and cadence (not necessarily imitating any particular well-known performer) until it becomes virtually automatic. Have a friend or family member "volunteer" to play the role of your conversation partner and drill at pulling returns, retorts and quips out of thin air, and in "real time".

Read novels and construct imaginary scenarios, with dialogs between the male and female characters. Imagine what they would say to one another in conversation, in flirtatious bantering. Rewrite the story in your mind, putting yourself in the place of the male lead. What would you say?


Wordplay and punning make up the raw material of witty retorts. Playing with language is the essence of humor. Push the envelope of absurdity. Mangle that folk wisdom. Destroy preconceptions. Set common sense on its head. Your audience will laugh and groan, but they will love you for it.

A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.

Admiration: polite recognition of another's resemblance to you.

After all is said and done, a lot more is said than done.

Let's not complicate our relationship by trying to communicate with each other.

Will reality please raise its hand?

Q: What do you think of the Royal Family?
A: I like Prince Wenceslaus. He'll make a good king.



Practice and rehearsal in the theater of the imagination... all this is a crutch. Before you can walk under your own power in the arena of raillery, you will need a crutch, training wheels, an amulet, a lucky charm. This is a nifty bit of gimmickry, a small magic to unlock your talent and power. After that, who knows what hidden depths you will uncover within yourself . . .




Doing it, finally

Let the context determine the script. A woman making a hostile approach calls for an entirely different handling mode than one who is friendly and interested in you. In either case, a smile serves as a bridge toward the interaction that will follow.

Ideally, you are well matched with a conversation partner, and the encounter unrolls as smoothly as a choreographed comedy routine. You feed each other lines, and bounce witticisms off each other. It's entertaining and productive for the both of you.

He: "Well met by moonlight."
She: "'Tis not midsummer, nor doth the moon grace the heavens, nor this a dream."
(Good. She knows her Shakespeare.)
He: "In thy presence, doth not the lilac bloom, the darkest night glow as if moonlit? Melt into my arms soonest, beloved, ere I revert to latter day Anglic, the speech of varlets.
She: "Neither the time nor the place for melting is this. Nevertheless, I appreciate your wit, and you, to wit, you twit."


Repartee as verbal self-defense presses verbal fencing skills to the limit. This calls for detachment, stepping out of your skin, playing of a role, playacting in the truest sense. Picture yourself just "kidding around" with your kid sister, rather than in a knuckle chewing confrontation with a desirable, but hostile woman. It's a rehearsal, "fun 'n games", tomfoolery (you have nothing to lose).

She: "Lookee here, it's the neighborhood nerd. Why, hello, Mr. Geek."
(The ultimate. Why couldn't she accuse you of something a little less gross, like sleeping under bridges and sipping cheap wine from a paper bag?)
He: "Sir Geek to you, princess. Your beauty lights up the night sky (even as your lack of wit darkens it). May I present my most humble self, a true paragon among geeks, the vaunted virtuoso of vapid vainglorious vaudeville, knight of the Holy Order of Pocket Protectors, the very noblest of the nerds?" [ironic bow]
She: (speechless)
He: Speechless?


BACK TO CHAPTER 4