Nothing Personal
Men wanted. Hard work. Low pay. Danger. High adventure. Chance of fame and glory. |
Writing a personal ad is something of an adventure in itself. Here is an opportunity to reassess yourself, to focus and clarify your self-image, the chance to reinvent (or, at least, rewrite) yourself. You can sculpt the profile you display to the outside world, to the women you wish to meet. This assumes your total involvement in the project. It requires complete dedication to the task and responsibility for the consequences. What you are starting here may have far-reaching effects.
What Personal Ads Can Do (Perhaps)
|
Personal ads have a long and venerable, even stodgy tradition. At one time, professional matchmakers and marriage brokers regularly placed ads and announcements for their clients in ethnic and foreign language newspapers. The personals fell into disrepute around midcentury, as a more modern, urbanized generation no longer felt the need to resort to indirect methods of meeting, dating, and mating. Since the 1980s, personal ads have made a comeback, regaining respectability by virtue of their ability to connect people who might otherwise never meet. |
Given a very limited number of words in which to state your case, perhaps fifty or less, make each one count. Poetry compresses language almost to the bursting point. Imagery and metaphor are wicked, sharp-edged blades. Rhythm compels. Humor and irony are armor-piercing projectiles. A feeling for subtlety and nuance lends elegance to the naked word. Language - in its grandeur, its majesty, its masked violence - plumbs the mysteries of existence, unleashes avalanches of change and has the power to transform all it touches.
A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon lover! Coleridge, Kubla Khan |
Shy guy in need of girlfriend. Lonely. Desperate. Life is empty. Save me from drowning in misery. From the depths, I cry out! |
SWM, NS, ND, tall and handsome, muscular, financially secure. Enjoy long walks on the beach, moonlit nights, and cuddling in front of the fireplace at midwinter. |
The generic "white bread" ad: uninspired, bloodless, and poorly
written. It is about as palatable as a heaping bowl of cold oatmeal. The
less said about it, the better. On a scale of 1 to 100, this one barely
rates a 2.
Avoid the use of jargon, acronyms, and abbreviations unless you can make up clever ones of your own. "Boilerplate" constructions, while saving on word count, break the narrative flow, dilute the flavor of the message, and, in general, make their own unique contribution toward insipid prose. More to the point, they evoke snorts of derision, rather than responses. "ND NS SWM seeks SWF" (yawn), "financially secure" (yeah, sure), "long walks in the moonlight" (groan). |
Home-cooked meals. Beach walks. Toasting marshmallows over a campfire. Tracing Orion's belt on a moonless night. Sitting on the back porch listening to NPR. Sharing a banana split on a July afternoon. Simple pleasures. |
Stray puppy in need of a good home. Cuddly, floppy-eared 35-year old inventor would like to reinvent YOUR life... |
Cassiopeia, starry-eyed maiden of my dreams, book lover, gourmet, esthete, athlete. Contemplate an afternoon at the atelier feasting our eyes on the Renaissance masters. Then home, home for more substantial fare. |
Wisdom and maturity signify more than societal standards of beauty. Statuesque fat woman, you burn with an inner passion. Share, oh share your warmth with me. |
A man and a woman Are one. A man and a woman and a blackbird Are one. Wallace Stevens Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird |
Let your true, honest self shine through. Give the reader substance, rather than flash. Descriptive personal details are fine, up to a point, but don't overdo it. Leave something to the imagination, just a bit of mystery . . . let the woman anticipate what you are really like. Above all, avoid jargon and euphemisms.
Biker daddy, Herman Munster lookalike, popcorn addict, soap opera afficionado, seeking a ray of sunlight. Set me on fire, baby. |
Potbellied Polish polymath polygrapher, pundit, punster. Poleaxed by polka-dotted polyester Polynesian Pollyanna. Reply posthaste. Polly want a cracker? |
No, no! Desire both lives and dies A thousand times a day. Edmund de Vere |
Axiom #4: Humor. If life is funny, then all the more so this whole silly business of finding a lover. A little laughter will enliven your ad, and your life.
Axiom #5: Patience. Things must proceed at their own pace. Or they will not.
Axiom #6: Courage. If your ad gets just a few or no responses at all, don't despair. Try again.
Axiom #7: Empathy. Put yourself in the woman's place.
Try to imagine why women respond to a personal
ad.
Corollary: Be kind to the women answering your ad. Try to treat each response compassionately, even if the woman is not quite right for you. Remember, you could be on the receiving end next time.
Axiom #8: Read other people's ads, to get ideas and to learn from their
mistakes. It's so much less painful than learning from your own.
Axiom #9: Check your spelling (or use a spell checker). An ad containing spelling or grammar errors makes you look like an idiot.
Axiom #10: Run the prospective ad past a friend, preferably a woman friend, to confirm that it is not complete gibberish. Listen to advice, but trust your own judgment.
Axiom #11 (the Eleventh Commandment): Do not rely on axioms. Not even this
one.
Putting it all together, construct your ad using this template:
Icy winds tear asunder boiling thunder clouds, deliv'ring sun from Nature's rage. Still I'm a man, strong enough to be gentle, a free thinker, self-educated. At 22, old enough to discern wisdom's shadow, young enough to wonder, innocent in splendid solitude. Please, cultured older woman, show me the ways of life, and love. |
Are you woman enough? Restless spirit, find high adventure on the uncharted tempest-toss'd seas of romance. Danger! Shipwreck, broken heart possible. Chance of glory, of forging a volcanic, passionate bond enduring until death sunders us. Only the courageous need apply. |
Does this ad look just a bit familiar? It's actually our old friend,
the arctic explorer ad from the beginning of the chapter, but in
disguise. Would lonely women respond to this one as enthusiastically as
adventure-seeking men did to the original?
Can a well-crafted personal ad (or reply to same) persuade a woman to respond to a man she would otherwise consider unsuitable? Conventional wisdom holds that expressive skill, words alone, can tilt the balance if she is uncertain, but hardly effect a complete transfiguration. This classic assumption needs some cold water thrown on it. Just as Orpheus, to rescue his fair Euridice, charmed the rulers of Hades with the power of his lyre, so likewise might one charm the heart of a hardened, embittered woman with the power of the pen, with words alone. Consider also how unpredictable we humans are. Only occasionally do we act rationally, and more often we grope our way blindly through a fever dream of wish and expectation. Our very desires, even our perceptions are in a constant turmoil. Yes, words, powerful words, can change a woman's mind and her heart... and her life. Maybe. |
This brings up the question of whether it is worth spending hundreds of dollars to place one or more personal ads in what is essentially a gamble. This issue you will need to resolve according to your own judgment and circumstances. Those fortunate few for whom money is no object will have little to lose by placing multiple ads. For all the rest of us there are more attractive alternatives to spending hard-earned money on speculation.
The Usenet newsgroup alt.personals, after a promising beginning in the early days of the Net, has more or less become a wastland of ads for X-rated spam and other foolishness. This mostly holds true for the entire alt.personals.??? newsgroup hierarchy, unfortunately. It is still worth a look, but might well be a complete waste of time as far as actually posting an ad.
The Classifieds2000 site offers a good testing ground for placing an ad. There is no charge for ad placement on this popular site.
The American Non-Profit Dating Service features free personal ads, as do Abracadabra and relationships.com.
Curious Cat Personal Connections offers free personals, as well as an array of information useful to singles.
Yahoo offers free personal ads as a benefit of its free membership. These are certain to reach a wide audience.
"Special needs" resources for personal ads include the Personal Ads, Size Acceptance, Fat Acceptance site for fat persons and their admirers and a dating site for those with herpes.
Try the Singles Sites
Chat Site Directory for a list of places on the Net to investigate
for posting ads. Find additional sites by querying one of the Web
search engines for the key words "personal ads."
Before placing an ad at a particular site, do some preliminary investigation to determine whether it is an appropriate place for you. Check the ratio of men's versus women's ads - it should be roughly equal, but in any case not wildly skewed in either direction. Read some of the women-seeking-men ads, to get a feel for the "demographics" of the site (what mix of women visit there and what types of men they are looking for). |
Consider using your own web site as a sort of
personal "display ad." This alternative mode of advertising
yourself holds some promise as a way of transcending the boundaries of
the traditional personal ad.
Exercise #2: Prepare a list of ten places to publish your ad. Narrow
down the choices to the best three.
Exercise #2a: Actually place an ad in one or more of the places you
have selected. Do not become discouraged if you fail to get immediate
results, as it may take a month or more for your ad to build up
"momentum." Remember, this is a learning experience.
Hint: you are searching for a woman you can like and respect, and who
will find you attractive. Look for intelligence and humor in the replies.
Originality gets extra points.
Exercise #3: If your ad is moderately successful, it will pull in 5
or more responses. Exceptional ads might get as many as 50. How will
you sort out the answers to your ad?
Consider the options available if you respond. Most likely, you would need to call a toll number, and pay by the minute. Your presentation will, of necessity, be short, attention grabbing, and to the point. You absolutely must distinguish yourself from all the other "candidates" who answer this particular listing.
Take the time you need to develop a "script" for your five-minute one-man show. Pencil and paper are your tools, and a tape recorder and stopwatch useful accessories. Outline what you want to say, then edit and revise, revise, revise. With your final script in hand, rehearse aloud until your playlet rocks and rolls. Put on your favorite music (softly) in the background, pick up the phone and let your voice flow, smooth, effortless, and convincing. Remember - rhythm, pacing, timing, and always leave 'em wanting more.
If you respond via U.S. mail or e-mail, this gives you a chance
to display your expertise in the classic art of letter writing. As
necessary, refer to the pointers given in the previous chapter on writing love letters. Consider that this is not the
two of you alone, rather, you are trying to make your voice heard above
the crowd. Your epistle will be competing with those of many unseen
rivals. A "generic" note will get only a cursory glance,
if that. Again, aim to have your response stand out. A neat
handwritten letter gets more attention than a typed or computer-printed
one. A photocopied form letter heads straight for the trash. Write
creatively, seek the unusual, listen to inspiration, and revise, revise,
revise. Keep file copies of your previous correspondence, and learn
from mistakes.
Dear Kindred Soul,
A bolt out of the blue! Your ad rattles my dusty (cough, cough) heart and ignites in me tender emotions, the likes of which I thought my cranky old soul no longer capable of. Tell me, disturber of my tranquility, what shall become of me now? <There follow three or four paragraphs specifically addressing the concerns expressed in the ad, and especially why this particular woman absolutely must be the one for you.> Now, as for myself, I am a 99-year-old single geezer (don't look a day over 80) pursuing a rewarding career in paleoanthropology, after having retired from a lucrative veterinary practice treating Pet Rocks. My interests include bottle-cap collecting, restoring Louis XVI furniture, perpetual motion machines, reverse engineering UFO propulsion systems, searching for the Fountain of Youth, and handcrafting intricate clothes hangers out of rusty barbed wire. I live in a luxurious renovated yurt on a rock-strewn windswept hillside overlooking the exclusive high-rise apartment developments bordering the Gobi desert. Keeping me company are 15 gerbils, 3 yaks, and a platypus, but when the moon is high and the wolves howl, I find myself aching for the sound of a human voice and a woman's touch. <Several more amusing-but-descriptive paragraphs about yourself.>
Despite society's best efforts to tame my free-roaming spirit, I remain
something of a romantic. And yes, I need a good caring woman to share my
life.
Yours,
|
Dark Lady of the Sonnets,
Profoundly moved by your ad. At a loss as to how to respond, since I am totally, totally unsuitable according to your strict, all-too-strict specifications. Stubbornly unable to admit defeat, and, in any case, find it less painful to engage in this utterly futile enterprise than to lie awake bemoaning the cruel misfortune of having become enraptured by Nature's Fairest Creation, of whom I am no doubt unworthy. Have mercy, and say a little prayer for your devoted admirer, who shall remain forever sundered from you by the vagaries of the harsh fate of being born mortal, alas, merely mortal.
In tears, I am nevertheless yours,
|
Hard is the herte that loveth nought In May Chaucer |
The best-kept secret in the business world is that publicity
works better than advertising. Calling attention to yourself by getting
in the news, becoming well-known by outstanding achievement or a timely
"coup" is worth a thousand personal ads. Public personalities
and "celebs" have no need to place or answer personal ads.
On the contrary, their problem is fending off the advances of female
admirers. You should only have such problems.
Going over Niagara Falls in a barrel and similar publicity stunts have their attractions, but the cost generally outweighs the benefits, to put it mildly. Much less hazardous is having yourself crowned emperor* of your own patch of real estate, or, if you are truly ambitious, of the entire continent, complete with coronation ceremony attended by the regional and national press. Short of risking your life or making a complete fool of yourself, you may avail yourself of the many other opportunities for attaining a high profile locally, and possibly on an even larger scale.
Volunteer your services to charitable organizations, or better yet, initiate your own project to help the poor or handicapped, or to teach the educationally disadvantaged to read. Bring artistic and cultural events to your town. Invite the bicycle racing association to schedule an event there. Get the area's artisans together to hold a crafts fair. Bring the carnival to town. Sponsor a "salon" for intellectual discussion. Organize the local painters and sculptors for an exhibition. Start a writers workshop. Even if your motives are not entirely altruistic, and you wish to obtain a bit of recognition for your efforts, still you will more than likely be forgiven, if you go about it in a good-humored and tactful way.
Other possibilities include becoming an established authority in your field of expertise, a person invited to write newspaper columns and appear on talk shows. Be it only a hobby or leisure time activity, if you are exceptionally talented or can teach it effectively, you can build your reputation on it.
Far better to be a "celeb," if only a local one, than a faceless figure behind a personal ad. However, it requires more imagination, resourcefulness, and truly, much more daring. These are qualities that all human beings, not just shy ones, should cultivate.
* As it happens, in 1859, a certain Joshua Norton of San Francisco did, in fact, declare himself Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico. Surely, there was no shortage of womenfolk in his interesting life.
"There ain't no cure for the summertime blues", nor is there one for
loneliness. Think "tool", rather than "remedy". Placing or answering a
personal ad will not necessarily make a fundamental difference in your
social life, but it surely can be an interesting ride.
In the personal ad "game", as in chess, the rules are easy to learn, but the strategy is intricate and tricky. Similarly, the results are proportional to the amount and intensity of effort expended, and the level of skill attained is as much a matter of practice as of talent. Like chess, and much of life itself, "playing" the personals should be fun, as well as profitable. If you do it for the prize alone, you are missing the point.
An ad can, at best, only provide the opportunity to meet partners.
A woman who answers your ad has made no commitment, beyond a willingness
to speak with you once. Taking it
from there, actually establishing a relationship is still a matter of
personal contact, of the interaction between two isolated human beings.
As yet, only words connect you . . . and words alone cannot bridge the
gap, nor can they touch, nor kiss.